Nightmare and Daydream

I was a nightmare, you were a daydream
When we first met,  we just sat and chat
Then only we started to date.
I don’t know why you liked me,
And everyday Skyped me.
Ooh.. So you saw that love in my eyes,
But I was stupid,
I never got over your beauty to see the same love in your eyes.
You knew that and took advantage
I thought I am turning into a Daydream
That all the things which were happening between us were real
But then you left without saying anything
And it turned out to be another gloomy nightmare.

If Karan Johar made Interstellar

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If Karan Johar made Interstellar, first of all, there will be a love triangle between TARS, Dr. Brand and Cooper and before getting seprated from the two, Cooper will give some courtship tips to TARS,   Kyunki Kya Pata Kal Ho Na Ho.
Professor Brand , (who will be a gayish character) will have a secret crush on Dr. Mann. While his daughter is leaving, he will say that dialogue which has now become cliche over the years , yeah.. You guessed it right, Ja Beti Ja jeele apni zindagi and that poem ‘Do not go gentle into that good night’, will run in Background (Sung by Sonu Nigam).
Ofcourse Cooper will not be able to complete the mission because Murph will have a common cold (established by one sneeze) and the next thing we see is Cooper is in a space shuttle crossing all the barriers of OuterSpace, Quantum mechanics and Relativity to find out that Murph has already reached to a Space station which is called Dharma Productions and it is currently orbiting Saturn.
But how did Murph reach to this space station…. Well for that we have to go in flashback (It’s a Karan Johar film). Just to take audience in Suspension of Disbelief, Cooper was sent to Space (aur ek love song bhi shoot ho gaya OuterSpace main). The actual plan of NASA was to organise a ‘Astronaut Of The Year’  competition which has three rounds- Space Shuttle race, Humanoid -Human dance ball and Treasure hunt. Murph wins the competition and gets Rohit Mehra’s (Not Rahul) old computer as a prize. She clicks four random keys on the keyboard , which sounds like my father’s burp *Om, Om, Om, Om* and in the next scene she is in a space ship with Jadoo and they go to a space station near Saturn. (Fuck Fifth Dimension, Black Hole, Wormhole, who needs all that when we have Jadoo). Kajol is already waiting there for his guest appearance (It’s a Karan Johar film).
Once, Cooper reaches to the train station, Murph throws a party in which she invites all the famous celebrities from different galaxies.

Happy Ending.

Aabru, Aarzoo aur Justuju

Aurat ki aabru ko aadmi ne
apne pajame ka nada samjha hai
Jab chahe tab Khol deta hai
Aurat ki aarzoo ko aadmi ne
Apne shirt ka button samjha hai
Jab chahe tab tod deta hai
Aurat ki justuju ko aadmi ne
Apne joote ka fita samjha hai
Jab chahe tab baandh leta hai
Par pagal aadmi yeh bhul jata hai
Ki usse pajame ka nada bandhna,
shirt ka button lagaana aur joote ke fite bandhna,
ek aurat ne sikhaya tha.

Khawabon Ka Traffic Hawaldaar

Khawabon ki rehguzar main bahut se Traffic Hawaldaar khade hain
Un sabhi ko 100 ki hari patti ki aisi lat lag gayi hai ke kya bataun
Ek khwaab pura hote hi, Apna lal signal lekar pahunch jaate hain
Kehte Hain beta tum isse aage kya ja paoge
Beta tumse na ho payega
Phir unn chote logon ko 100 ki hari patti sungha kar,
Hazaaron ke dilon main raasta banana padta hai.

PK – In My View

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As I write this post, there are rumours that pk is an alien from outer space who comes to earth to discover God. PK’s character also seems pretty similar to Mr.Bean to many people. I don’t know who PK is exactly. But the teaser says alot about the film. The movie challenges the reality. It is a satire on the daily life of a common man. It judges the normal way of life. For instance, the clothes we wear; Helping the poor etc.

God is a huge part of common man’s life. So the movie will surely have its say on the way we percive different Gods. The restless and stupid people who are targeting Aamir Khan for posing nude in the film saying that it will promote homosexuality ( which is a bigger deal in India than caste system and gender bias) should wait for the film to release. They have never laid their fingers on the monks who roam nude on the streets. (This may spark a controversy). Clothing is a man made concept. God never told us to wear clothes. Nobody was born suited booted. ( Oh.. Wait, but God Himself is a man made concept).

All in all, through PK’s character, Rajkumar Hirani and Abhijat Joshi will mock every aspect of our so called normal life, while, keeping the Hirani’s style of film making alive. I don’t know how much money this movie will make, but it surely will be another path breaking movie in Indian Cinema by the Director – Writer duo. This movie will make us think.

Man Is The Real Beast

He regained counciousness admist the cries and screams of people. He woke up and started walking. Without realizing that he was on a stretcher at a BMC hospital,  he goes and sits on a empty wheelchair. He shut his eyes and started thinking what actually happened with him. Suddenly a number of images flashed in his mind,  Attack.. Fire.. Sweta. He remembered his wife’s last shout, ‘Run..Run really fast from these Demons and take Sweta along with you’. It was her last curse, her stomach was brutally ripped off after that.
‘What are you doing here? ,You are not supposed to leave your bed’, the nurse said in a authoritative tone. For the first time he came back from his oblivion and experienced the pain of his own deep cuts which he got on his back. He was limping because his right leg had a gunshot. But where was his daughter Sweta. He was assured that they escaped the rioters fury and reached to a safe place, but he had no idea about where they were separated.
No place in Mumbai was safe at that time. He knew this fact and he was afraid for her daughter. After sometime he saw four strong men who were the part of a rescue team. As they passed by his bed, he urged them to find his daughter, Sweta. He described his daughter to them. Sweta was a beautiful 17-year old girl who had a mole on her right cheek. The men assured him that if she is alive, they will surely find her.

After a few days, they found a girl in a  4LTD BEST bus. She was very pretty and had a mole on her right cheek. They seemed to have scared the girl. The girl tried to sneak out of the bus after seeing them. Ultimately, they got hold of her. They asked her, ‘Are you Sweta?’, her face turned pale. But when the rescue team told her about the father, she was relieved.

The young men treated her well. They fed her, gave her milk and bread. Her top and jeans were a little torn. She nervously tried to hide her visible parts, particularly her cleavage with her hands. A man was generous enough to give his jacket to her.

Days passed, the father had no clue about where his daughter was. He was dwindling between the state of fear and hope. The rescue team had the same answer , ‘If she is alive, we will find her.’ But he didn’t lose hope, he prayed, literally everytime for Sweta’s safe return.

At the time when he was discharged, there was a chaos in the hospital.  The rescue team brought some girls, who were found in a abandoned local train. The father’s anxiety rose. He searched for his daughter amongst those girls. Some were already dead but many of them were in condition which was even worse than dying. He entered a ward which had a dim red light and there she was, his prayers were answered. Sweta was lying on a stretcher. He checked her pulse and shouted with joy, MY DAUGHTER IS ALIVE. A lady doctor came in the ward and asked him to leave the room. He resisted and said, ‘I won’t leave my daughter alone again’ . The doctor assured him and said it was just a routine checkup and he can come after sometime. He left the room with tears of joy. But his joy soon turned into utter dismay , when he got a glimpse of the board which said- RAPE VICTIMS.

Inspired by Manto’s Khol Do.
© Gaurav Bumb

Only When..

Only when there is darkness,
We will understand the value of light,
Just ask a  blind man.
Only when there is Hunger,
We will understand the value of food,
Just ask a hungry man.
Only when there is hatred
More love will bloom
Just ask a 80-year old couple.
Only when there is Separation,
We will understand the value of true friendship
Just call your long-lost friend and rejoice the moment.
Only when there is loss
We will understand the value of gain.
Only when we end our life ,
People think there is begnning of a new life.
But will the dead speak?
Only when we can face the black
We will understand the serenity and the beauty of white.

Grey is the only shade that prevails in the world. Nobody is totally black or white. No person or circumstance of life is always happy. But those who are averse to the black shade of anything and go even to the extent of ending their lives are the biggest mistakes of God.

Saavdhaan Insaan!!!

Machli jal ki rani thi,
Jeevan uska pani tha,
Par phir aaya insaan, 
Jisne unke jeevan main zeher ghol diya.
Apne parijano ko shanti dene ke liye
Machliyon ke jeevan ki shanti bhang kar di,
Kitna khudgarz hai re insaan,
Apni motor main tel daalne ke liye,
Machliyon ke ghar ujad diye.

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Samjhta toh apne aap ko hai bada samazdaar
Phir kyun bana rakha hai,
Machliyon ke ghar ko kudedaan.
Kitna gooroor karta hai tu,
Yeh bade bade baandh  banakar
Bahut maza aata hai tujhe Machliyon ka ghar tabah kar.
Par ab Machliyaan hai taiyaar,
Unhone bana liya hai Aasmaan aur Samundar ko apna yaar.
Karne ko tujh par zor se vaar
Bandh kar de Prakriti ke saath yeh atyachaar.

The Last Wish

An old man was on his deathbed. He saw the ultimate dream of his life, ‘A Garden Of Dreams’. A garden where all his dreams became potted plants. Some plants were totally ruined, some on the verge of drying up, while some bloomed beautifully. There was this plant of little hockey sticks which completely withered devoid of proper care. A plant which he planted with his wife, a beautiful daughter was on the verge of drying up as a weed called ego snatched away all nutrients from that plant. There was a MONEY plant which was fully nurtured, but it was least of his concerns now.

Out of nowhere, he saw two golden butterflies, as he chased them down, he reached to the end of his garden. He saw innumerable garden of dreams there. He saw a poor kid sowing few ‘Cricket Bat’ seeds, then he saw a blind girl planting a sapling of musical notes and it went on and on.

After giving a thought, he ran to his own garden and uprooted a single root from his proudly blooming money plant and planted it in the kid’s garden. He repeated this action till the last root of his money plant was left.

He was relieved. After all this hard work, when he reached his own garden, he was confused. All the plants that were on the verge of dying were blooming beautifully. He sat on a bench enjoying the beauty of this moment. The two butterflies which he chased earlier transformed into his last wish, a violin and he started playing a beautiful symphony.

Haider (A Painting)

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Revenge begets Revenge. Haider is not just a film, it is a painting done on the landscape of Kashmir. Based on William Shakespeare’s Hamlet this art piece exposes the reality of the Valley on the backdrop of Family rivalry. Vishal Bhardawaj, the painter has used perfect combination of his colours, be it the music, the dialogues or the direction. The background score works as a catalyst to keep the audience at the edge of their seats. But what takes my breath away are the characters painted in it. Whether it is Haider (Shahid Kapoor), Khurram (Kay Kay Memon), Ghazala (Tabu) or Arshia (Shraddha Kapoor). The special appearances by Roohdaar (Irrfan) or Dr. Hussain Meer (Narendra Jha) were also powerful.
The family rivalry is a subtext to the situation in Kashmir, the tussle between the Army and the Militants in which the common people of Kashmir are the biggest loser. Haider shows the warmth that common people of Kashmir have even after going through a lot of pain. Kashmiris have lost their loved ones, who are either killed in fake encounters by Army or brainwashed by Militant groups across the border.
The painter’s apprentice, Pankaj Kumar (Director of Photography), who also worked as DOP in another work of art (Ship Of Theseus)
also gets a special mention for his sheer brilliance in cinematography.
At last, If the jealous and corrupt Censor Board Of India had not made 42 cuts, this nearly perfect masterpiece would have been perfect.

Gulzar Sahab Zindabad.

Lame Shorts #2 (My Fart)

My fart is like a magical dart,
Which always hits the bullseye of embarrassment.
My fart is an abstract art,
Which pisses off people.
My fart is not that smart,
As it breaks the wrong wind at the wrong time.
In short my fart is my inseparable part,
And it has the power to burn my enemy’s heart.

Mumbai Ke Log, Mumbai ka Mausam

Mumbai ke log, Mumbai ka mausam
Dono ek se hi lagte hain
Ek din main na jaane kitni baar karwatain badalte hain.
Par mujhe yeh samajh nahi aata
Ki mausam ke kaaran log aise hai,
Ya logon ke kaaran mausam aisa hai.
Ki logon ka gussa itni garmi paida karta hai,
Ya iss dhoop ke kaaran log itna gussa karte hain.
Ki logon ke aansu dekhar, aasmaan bhi rone lagta hai
Ya baarish ke bahaane log apna rona ro lete hain.

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Ki thodi der ke liye hi sahi
Jab mausam khushnuma ho jata hai,
Toh kya yeh kudrat ka karishma hai,
Ya koi asli Mumbaikar ke dil ki awaaz.
Kuch bhi ho.
Par Andheri East main auto aaj bhi badi mushkil se milta hai.

Image Credits – ScoopWhoop

I was Alarm Clock Zoned

I woke her up every morning
Leaving a “Seize the Day”  message
She didn’t reply.
Both at lunch and dinner
I reminded  her to eat properly
Leaving a “Eat Healthy”  message
But she didn’t reply.
After a long day,
I texted her a joke
Which I supposed made her laugh.
And she finally reply,
You are just like my alarm clock, LOL!!!
I was hurt..
I felt miserable.
But she doesn’t care
And like every other night,
She might have put me on snooze,
And gone to booze.
I was Alarm Clock Zoned.

Dil Toh Secular Hai

Yeh jo dil hai woh bada hi secular bana phirta hai
Isse “love jihad” ka concept samajh nahi aata
Iss bewakoof ko kya pata,
Kitni himmat lagti hai unke pass jaane main
Par yeh toh unko dekhte hi unke peeche bhaagta hai
Usse mazhab se koi farq nahi padta hai
Woh toh bas andar aur bahaar ki khoobsoorati par marta hai,image

Aur kisi se nahi darta hai
Ab usse pyaar ko ishq kehne waale aziz hain
Toh main kya karu.
Meri koi galti nahi hai
Bada Matlabi hai woh
Usse toh apne kaam se matlab hai bas
Usse toh dooriyaan mitane se matlab hai bas
Issi Dil ki galtiyon ka thikra mere sir girta hai
Yeh dil bada secular bana phirta hai

Mere Papa

Meri khawishon ka bhoj utha kar chale hain woh,
Mere sapno ko haqiqat main badalne ki koshish main joote hain woh,
Apni zaroorat ko pare rakh kar meri zaroorat ko pura karne main lage hain woh.
Har shaam jab woh office se ghar shanti ki talaash main aate hain,
Toh main unke saamne kranti bankar khada ho jata hu.
Aur unpe apni ziddon ki bumbari karta hu.

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Kabhi Kabhie main darr jata hu,
Ki woh meri har zidd ko pura karte hain,
Kya woh mujhse kuch zyada hi umeed lagaye baithe hain.
Par phir mere sir par ek tapli padti hai
Aur unki bhaari si awaaz aati hai,
zyada mat socha kar
Bacha hai tu abhi.
Main toh bas itna hi chahta hoon,
Ki teri zindagi sawar jaye
Aur mera sir garv se uncha ho jaaye.

Come Sit, Let’s chat (English translation)

Come sit, Let’s chat
You had a long walk on my warm sand today,
So sit down,
Light your cheap cigar,
And curse those who are standing higher than you at the podium
Pity those who are sitting below at the podium
I am the Sea
You needn’t show off in front of me,
You are with me
Speak your heart
Every drop of mine is a story,
And your story also has a special safe box.
Smile is the minimal charge
You have to pay to open an account with us.
Actually, it’s pretty important for a city like Mumbai
To have such a bank
Where the tumult of your heart is lowered
And your happiness is compounded
So I will again annoy you like a stubborn bank agent,
Come sit,  Let’s chat

Aao Baitho Baatein karte hain

Aao Baitho, baatein karte hain
Ab garam reth par nange pair mere kinaare tak aaye ho,
Toh Baith Jao,
Jalao apni sasti si bidi
Aur koso unhe jo tumse unche paaydaan pe khade hain,
Dhudkaro unhe jo tumse neeche paaydaan par baithe hain.

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Main Samundar hun.
Mere saamne tumhe koi dikhawa nahi karna hoga
Tum Mere saath ho
Keh Do jo bhi dil main hai
Meri Har ek boond kisi na kisi ki kahaani hai
Maine sabki kahaniyo ko sambhaal kar rakha hai
Tumhari bhi ek khaas jagah rakhi hai
Khushiyon ka charge lagta iss kahaaniyon ke bank main
Mere pass agar aate ho toh kam se kam ek muskaan toh deni hogi
Zaroori hai bhai Mumbai jaise shehar main
Meri taraf ek baar mud ke dekhna.
Iss kahaaniyon ke bank main aapke dard kam kare jaate hain
Aur khushiyon ka interest milta hai.
Toh woh hi main waapas kahta hu
Ki account kholne ke liye
Aao Baitho, baatein karte hain

Mujhe toh samajh nahi aata

Context – My dad is an architect and my mom is an artist. This poem depicts my feelings when I was a kid. This is inspired by a poem of Rabindranath Tagore.

Maa, Papa din bhar kaagzon pe kya banaate hain
Meri toh kuch samajh nahi aata
Kuch square aur circle  kya bana lete hain,
Unhe toh aapse bhi zyaada waah waahi milti hai
Aap toh kitni khoobsoorat drawing banaate ho,
Unhe kuch sikhaate kyun nahi.
Unke bikhre hue kaagzon pe maine ek din unse accha circle kya bana diya,
Toh jalan ke kaaran unhone mujhe kamare se baahar nikal diya.
Aap toh Parion ki puri duniya design karti ho,
Par woh toh issi duniya ke chote se kone main kisika ka ghar design karte hain.

The Real Connection

I started thinking what can I gift you for your birthday,
Taj Mahal….No. Nice, but old school
Moon.. oh but your birthday is on a New Moon Day
A costly dress, but you look a star in whatever you wear
But I can gift you one thing,
A promise,
That from this night…every night
I will leave my formal stressful work shoes at my workplace
And try to fit in a pefect companion’s shoes.
I will leave all the trauma which Internet gave me,
All the social media hypocrisy,
I will shut down all the artificial connections and networks.
And will spend the night with you and only you,
Which is the real connection,
For which we were born,
To love.

Gareebi ki Chaadar

Akelepan ki chaadar oodhe
Main gareebo ke liye kambal dhoondne nikala hu
Meri choti si chaadar main bahut se do munhe logon ne
ghusne ki koshish ki,

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Jo apna apna hissa kaat kar le gaye
Uss hisse se un logon ne apne liye reshmi kambal bana liya
Aur ab woh un gareebo ko chidaate hain
Jinke liye main seedha sadha kambal lene nikala tha.

Live and Let Live Please

God please stop tweeting using the hashtag #BlessingsonGaza. It’s time for some real action. Things are really getting out of hand. There are air attacks on Gaza in every 15 minutes. There is no electricity as Israel blew up their only power station. I have stopped paying attention to the statistics of how many human beings die because in my view every life is important. The innocent children, men, women are dying as goats and cows die in the slaughterhouse. The people have started loosing faith in you. They have started thinking that they have came to this earth just to die. It has turned into a fight of egos between Hamas and Israeli Goverment which are taking lives of innocent people.

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God they started the fight using your name and now you have to stop this. So I am not praying to you Allah, Jesus or Vishnu whatever you might be. I am telling you get off your diamond studded IPhone 22 and stop playing the Holy Candy Crush and do some real action. Please. The World Needs You.

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Man vs Wild

I woke up today to a horrifying epiphany.
That I have turned into a Two faced being
One part of my face was that of a human,
who goes to candle marches, respects mothers and sisters at home, Posts different things on his Facebook timelime to prove that he is not sexist.

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But the other part of the face was that of a monster
who does not feel guilty after using matriarchal abusive language,
who enjoys watching indecent content,
but tags every girl, who dresses so called ‘indecently’ as a slut.

I am proud of the little humanity that is left in me and ashamed of the monstrous being within me

Aalas ka Daanav

Takiye aur neend main jhagda laga sa hai
Bistar aur sapano main bhi lafda hua sa hai
Sapne shayad isliye pareshaan hai kyunki ,
Main neend main toh unse milkar aata hun,
Par subah hote hi waapas bistar main hi rah jata hu.
Unke peeche bhaagne ki zhamat nahi uthata hun.

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Kabhie kabhie raat karwato ke saahare hi kat jati hai
Agli subah kuch karne ki aasha mann main jag jaati hai,
Par phir wohi bistar aur kambal beech main aa jaate hain
Mere jaise aalas ke daanav se mohini ki tarah karm ka amrit chin kar le jaate hain.
Brought to You by-SleepHell Mattress

Stop Piracy

Over the years I loved piracy. One, It had helped me to save a lot of money; Two, it had helped me to watch some of the best movies of the world. When television started ad campaigns on STOP PIRACY, newspapers had articles about how piracy promotes terrorism and how much loss it caused to the film industry, I ignored them. I thought that it is just a technique  to lure the audience in the movie theatre.
But it is said that if you do somethimg the wrong way, even a small thing like watching a movie for free, the repercussions are really worse.

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Now here’s  my experience with piracy.

A few days back I boarded a bus from my hometown to Mumbai, it was a ac sleeper bus and a had a video screen for each seat. Every traveller had to watch the same movie which the bus conductor puts on. To my sheer bad luck he puts on the pirated version of the highest grossing film of bollywood Dhoom 3, the movie which I regretted to have watched in the  theatre because it was a pain in the ass. I turned  off the movie immediately but the other commuters started watching it and the bus had those common speakers which brought back those horrific images of trolled face AAmir Khan tap dancing, the 5 crore song, MALANG MALANG in which the producers spent all their money on sets forgetting about the music and lyrics. I started counting how many time the same dialogue, “Bandeh hain hum uske..” but I think I lost my count after 240, 1 crore for each of it. The same dialogue is said so many times in the film that even AAmir Khan gets bored of it and how can I forget him.

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My point being piracy is bad. It can cause much worse things then promoting terrorism. So do your bit to stop piracy and download only a single movie a day on torrent. Otherwise these films will catch you and give you cancer even when you ignore them when it comes to theatre.

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Images Source:
Bollywoodhungama.com

Sorry Bitiya!!

Mere buddhe paon mujhe taane dete hain
Kehte hain tum toh beti nahi chahate the na
Phir kyun uski kamaai ki rotiyaan tod rahe ho
Jhuki hui kamar mujhe chidaati hai
Jis bete ko tum bhuddape ki laathi samazte the
Woh toh tumhe chod kar America chale gaya.

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Mere puraane chashme kaise piche rahte woh bhi bol uthe
Kitna paisa baaha diya tha tumne apne bete ki padhai par
Bhul gaye the uss samay apni beti ko tum
Bole the padh likhar kya karegi woh
Par aaj dekho woh bina sahaare apne pairon par khadi hai
Meri lakdi ki walking stick kehti hai
Socho agar aaj woh na hoti toh tumhara kya hota.

Stop discriminating between your daughter and son. Please!

Garmi ki chuttiyaan

Main garmi ki chuttiyon main jab ghar jata hu
Toh buddhe dadaji ke kamare main unse bhi bhuddha ek cooler dikhta hai
Jise har do ghante main dadaji ki tarah ki paani ki pyaas lagti hai
Dono bhagwaan bharose hi chal rahe hain.
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Upari manzil par papa ka kamra hai
Jahan ***** rating wala Cooler laga hua hai
Jo electricity bill ka sabse bada dushman hai
Kyunki yeh cooler toh sirf kaam se thake hue aaye papa ko raat ko thandak deta hai
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Papa ke kamare ke pass bhaiya ka kamra hai
Jahaan electricity bill ka best friend rahta hai
Ek American company ka A.C.
Jo chalta bhi American timing se hai
Kyunki bhaiya toh din bhar sota hai aur raat mein kaam se nikalta hai.
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Right to Reject

Meri maa ro rahi hai,
Meri Bharat maa ro rahi hai,
Woh apne shakuni roopi bhai modi se pareshan hai,
Jo uske bachon(Hindu and Muslim) main ladai karwa raha hai.
Italy se aayi ek chudial ne apne nalayak bete ke saath milkar,
Uske bachon ki raaton ki neend ki neend haram kar di hai.

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Woh naaraz hai uss jhadu waale dagabaz par,
Jisne aam aadmi ki topi pehenkar,
Aam aadmi ko hi topi pehena di.
Par sabse zyada woh apne hi bachon par gussa hai,
Jo rajneeti ko aaj bhi daldal hi samazte hain.
Aur ghar par baithkar inn shaitano ke naam par ladate rahte hain.

Maa > Bhagwaan

Maa aapki badi yaad aati hai,
Har raat bina aapki lori ke hi kat jaati hai.
Kabhie Kabhie aap mere sapne mein aate ho,
Mere baal sahlaate ho aur chale jaate ho.
Taare zameen par dekh kar toh aaj bhi rona aata hai,
“Maa” song khatam hote-hote toh tissue box khatam ho jata hai.

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Aap mere khawabon ki pari ho ,
Kabhie kabhie sunaate mujhe khari khari ho.
Mujhe pata hai ki mein ab bhi akal se katcha hoon,
Par phir bhi aapka acha bacha hoon.
Maa aapki badi yaad aati hai,
Har raat bina aapki lori ke hi kat jaati hai.

Mom>God

Mommy I miss you,
I regret every day which pass by and I can’t kiss you.
Your food is like a heavenly bliss,
I regret every day I give it a miss.
Sometimes you come in my dream,
You sit by my side, Sing me my favourite lullaby then fly away.
Sometimes I find you in the eyes of an old woman,
Who is waiting for her NRI son since 10 years now.
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Nevertheless,
You are the queen of my fairytale,
You make me feel like I am Christian Bale.
You are the best person I ever met.
Ok! Now my eyes are getting wet.
Mommy I miss you,
I regret every day which pass by and I can’t kiss you.

When I get into trouble, I don’t pray to God. Rather I close my eyes and picture the beautiful face of my mother. Just try it. It’s the greatest energy booster

Oh My Sachin!!!!

Every night when I go to bed I pray to God and picture a white light showering blessings on me. But the night Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar retired ( As people say. But I still do not believe it)something amazing happened. I went to bed expecting the same image but suddenly my mind went blank and I started hearing loud cheers Saaachin….Saaaachin. At one end of the ground there was Sudhir Gautham, who is now the brand ambassador of Quickrrr. Then the Master Blaster entered the park. He started off with his signature straight drive which went right past whining Waqar Younis.

*Time for people to think about the straight drive*

From there my dream took a time leap off to Sharjah to that night when one of the sweetest dream of a Sachin fan became the deadliest nightmare for Shane Warne, that superb inning of 143 runs  is  still regarded as the best ODI inning by Him.
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Who can forget the upper cut six on the last ball of the first over by Shoaib Akhtar at Centurion in 2003. On the day when Shoaib had an epiphany that, “Who Is The Daddy?”. 
*Time given to readers to impersonate Sehwag’s epic dialogue, “BAAP….. BAAP HOTA HAI  AUR BETA..BETA”
Then came that short span of sadness  when you decided to retire in 2007 after India was out of the world cup in the first round after a humiliating loss against Bangladesh.  But all thanks to Mrs. Tendulkar who beared all your frustration and convinced you not to give up and fulfill your dream of bringing  that world cup home, which you apparently did in World Cup 2011.
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In 2008 you spilled your magic again as the Australian team cried once again, this time on their mommy’s lap. All thanks to your two back to back magnificent  innings in the CB Tri-Series finals. Still cannot get over the scene when James Hopes  literally cried at Gabba after that loss.
“And it’s the Super Man from India”, who can forget that inning of 201 in Gwailor when you became the first cricketer on the face of the Earth to hit a double ton.
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After each of your superb inning in that dream, a tv commercial came when somtimes you told the secret of your energy and sometimes you gave a signature test with Reynolds Racer Gel. When I came to know MRF was a tyre company, I literally checked every vehicle in my house. We know that you are solely responsible for half the revnues of PepsiCo India and Star Sports network. Sorry I am a vegiterian so I didn’t start eating eggs and either way I didn’t wanted to be like that kid who crushes your hand in that NECC advert.
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Throughout your career you made the bowlers of opposition cry but that last inning  and last speech,” My life for 24 years between these 22 yards is hard to believe had come to an end”,made us cry.
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*Pagale ne poore India ko rula dia. Aisa koi karta hai kya?
Jao mujhe nahi dekhna ek bhi match India ka. Aab mein hockey dekhunga. Chak de India!!!. Waise who is the captain of the Indian hockey team? Sunil Chethri na.*#sarcasm

Tribute to God

Spoiler Alert: I tried to write a post on master blaster but then I realised that any combination of 26 letters will not be enough to describe the genius of Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar . Therefore, I wrote about the essence of his journey that he chased his dreams since the age of 11 and today it all ends from where it started. So chase your dreams guys. Enjoy this poem.

Apni khawishon ko chupa  kar tumhe kya milega
Apne sapano ko bhula kar tumhe kya milega
Dukh aur dard se bhara sanaata
Doston duniya toh tumhe rokegi hi
Par tum duniya jaise mat bano
Apne khawabon ka khoon apne haaton se mat karo
Apne sapano ke piche bhaago
Tumhara sapna tum hi pura kar sakte ho
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Bas puri mehnat se uske piche bhaago
Mein bhaag raha hoon
Aur maa kasam bada maza aa raha hai.
Aur  haan yeh bandha bhi 24 saal se apne sapon ke piche bhaag raha tha
But you know Gods never retire.
Take a bow master.
Thank you for inspiring us.

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Ram vs Ramu Kaka

Just tell me one thing if you regard God as the supreme being then why do Hindu mythology gives an opportunity to Uncle Pai and Ramanand Sagar to take the first mover advantage and make comic books and TV serials. Gods are just the comic characters of the past. Rapist like Asaram use the name of God to turn himself into a business tycoon having net worth of 350 crore. Commercialisation of God is one aspect. The thing which irritates me the most that some narrow minded idiots use the name of God to preach violence and believe it or not communal violence is much bigger than terrorism or naxalism.
It’s so ironical that we worship Saraswati, the goddess of knowledge but we harass girls at schools, colleges and work place. We worship Laxmi, the goddess of wealth but still we have dowry deaths. We worship Durga, the goddess of power but forget about giving equal power to female sex, we kill the girl in the womb itself.

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Why do we need temples?? Understand a simple thing people
If you regard God as the supreme being who made you then why he needs your support to live or why He needs your money. If you have a counter question to that the donated money is used for a good cause then you are mistaken because most of the time it is used to build another temple of God. We are donating truck lots of money for someone who we still don’t know exists or not. Rather, we can invest in health care and education of the poor.

So my ultimate message – This Diwali get over Ram and give happiness to your old Ramu Kaka and his son who is still struggling to get into a good school.

God’s Fool of the Day

Everyday I boarded the same monstrous bus which took me to a hell (college) . But today was a lucky day for me because  when I  reached the  stand a magic bus was waiting for me. A bus whose destination was my hometown, where a proud father and a worried  mother are waiting  since six months now. In the bus all the past memories came back to me. The last time I hugged my grandfather before leaving ,  taste of the local snacks and the kiss filled with mother’s love  Then the damn alarm started snoozing right in my ears  making me realize that it was just a dream and I am just another contestant of the heavenly game God’s Fool of the day.

What’s my fault???(english translation)

I may be a cute six year old or working 26 year old
It hardly makes any difference
I may be an innocent small town girl or a powerful high society creature
It hardly makes any difference
I am always bound to the same fate.
Sometimes I question the world that what’s my fault?
They remain silent and just comment that’s how India works.
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Some narrow minded bastards curse my attire for such monstorous acts.
Haunted by this fate Sometimes I prefer to die
And,sometimes I refuse to cry.
Mostly actors and politicians are monsters of my nightmares.
They leave the room laughing , leaving me in tears beneath the bed.

Stop blaming the victim.

Mera Kya Kasoor Hai???

Mein 6 saal ki bhi ho sakti hun,
Mein 26 saal ki bhi ho sakti hun,
Par usse fark kya padna hai…
Mein gaon ki bhi ho sakti hun,
Mein bade shahar ki bhi ho sakti hun,
Par usse fark kya padna hai….
Mere saath toh ek hi kaam hona hai.
Ab jab main pal pal toot rahi hu,
Main aaj duniya waalon se puchti hun Mera kya Kasoor hai,
Woh chup rah jaate hain kehte hain yeh toh duniya ka dastoor hai.
Kuch chote log toh mere libaas ko hi doshi tharaatein hain,
Aur wohi darinde mere hijab ko bhi apni nazaron se napak kar jaate hain.
Iss bhoj ke niche dabe kabhi mein maaut ko gale lagati hun…
Par jab aawaz uthati hun tab daba di jaati hun.
Kabhi neta toh kabhi abhineta karte hain mera shikar.
Woh hanste-hanste chale jaate hain mein roti rah jaati hu…

The confessions of a Bumb

“One who can laugh on himself can easily make others burst into laughter”-Charlie Chaplin.
Your chilhood is a disaster when you have a weird surname like me. My Surname is Bumb and we do not deal in human weapons believe it or not . Sometimes it is kinda awkward to read my surname mispelled by the 3rd class courier companies. Most of the times its Bomb or Bum either of them is equally hilarious. The weirdest mistake I came across was when they mispelled it as Pump and that to on a rejection letter of a University. I was like Bitch Please first get the name right then teach literature in your college. Imagine the name Gaurav Pump. On a serious note my name helps the terrorists to earn two meals a day. Terrorists are really grateful to us because we endorse their major product without charging a single penny.But the Stand-Up Comedians are more dangerous than the terrorists. My surname is such that it can be used by hindi and english stand up comics to make equally hilarious jokes. For instance Gajodhar bhaiya can make a bum bum bole joke and Russel Peters can make a bum joke.
My friend once joked that you seem to be adrent devotee of Gauri-Shankar because your name has the essence of both of them and you yourself look like Ganpati.
On a serious note I believe that my surname is awesome because  the mordern world is  full of worries and insecurity and  people find small things which make them smile and what’s more funny than having a weird surname. There are very less people who can make you smile just by telling their name and I am happy to be one of them.
Last but not the least the airport incident. It was my first time at the Delhi Airport and I was lost and friends started calling where is bumb , where is bumb and they were noticed by a Haryanvi cop and he said, “ke laundo airport pe bomb phodne ka plan karre se” and then they said he is a human and the cop was even more annoyed, ” ke bawadi poonch human bomb se tumhare pass, chalo police thaane”.
Sorry bad one

Letter to Sai from his father Nirasaram

Dear son, A week has gone by, and I see no signs of things getting any better. You are letting my name down. Now it seems like your Corrupt The System training was a waste of my precious money and time. I know you are still a novice in giving interviews but ask Jethmalani he will train you how to tackle the media especially with that louder than a loudspeaker journalist Goswami. I do not understand why he even needs a microphone. Leave all that, focus on getting me out of here. I am innocent and God knows that but you are quite well versed with the Indian govt. we have to pay more bribe if we are innocent. You know why I went to that room with that girl tell the media that my father was trying his hand in a new buisness power yoga which is the need of the hour and he just wanted a volunteer to practise some new aasans. I heard from the old prisioners that Salman khan was kept in the Same cell here, Salman khan reminded me of Katrina and Aishwarya and I was unable to sleep properly at night.
The police and the inmates are finding different ways of torchering me. In my first letter i told you about the body ache which I experinced on the first night here. When I asked for the massage oil they gave me the bull shit smelling pitanjali’s massage oil mass produced by that salwar suit baba kaamdev’s company. Next when I asked for newspaper they refused instead they took me to the jailer’s quarter and switched on the television and swapped to India TV some third eye baba’s satsang was coming. I am quite impressed by his entreprenual skills after watching him sell samosa and godrej locks in an innovative way. Now I feel like a small retailer in the generation of online shopping websites. Then suddenly the jailer came and he found another way to torcher me he took the remote and swapped to TIMES NOW where The Goswami was putting baseless allegations on me, I was very annoyed. All together do something asap to get me out of here.
Yours lovingly
Bapu